An Oddfellow’s Guide for the New World Imporium
Mountains were made to move you. Come, remember what freedom feels like and forget traffic jams and spreadsheets even exist. Go farther than you’ve ever gone before. From this vantage point, you can see everything except limits. Colorado isn’t just a place to visit, it’s a place where you feel alive and among the many points of interest you’ll want to see is the small town of Fort Collins, home of the CSU Rams and the CSU Genetics Laboratories:
Resting snugly along the front range of the Rocky Mountains it’s been aptly named Fort Fun by most members of its community and voted the #1 place to live in America more than twenty years in a row not simply for its federally manufactured amphetamines nor the number of trees planted per square acre nor its majority of wealthy Caucasian inhabitants, but for its overwhelming number of unreported white-collar crimes and campus related date-rapes. Fort Fun caters to a wide range of elitism, both political and intellectual with a cornucopia of trendy coffee shops, clubs and venues.
And being home to such fine breweries as Budweiser, New Belgium and Fat Tire it also has great odds for your opportunity to familiarize yourself with local judicial practices by interacting with a saturation of law enforcement equivalent to one policeman for every five residents. Visitors are invited to satisfy their culinary pallets by choosing from among the abundance of overpriced and overrated eateries, bistros and fine dining restaurants and as always everyone is welcome to support the local economy by spending a whole paycheck at any of its Whole Foods Organic Grocery stores.
Another site you’ll want see is the majestic Animus River, cultural soul of Southwestern Colorado. Formerly named el Río de las Ánimas (the River of Souls,) by early Spaniards, the river hosts multiple floating parades a year and is typically bustling with rafters, kayakers, outdoorsmen, fly fishermen and conservationists. And now thanks to the hard work and dedication of the Environmental Protection Agency and its release of over 3 million gallons of chemical waste including lead, arsenic and mercury, this majestic and scenic river is all the more so with its beautiful new golden hue, reminiscent of the 350,000 ounces of high-grade gold mined from the area between 1890 and 1929.
Being cut off from Denver through the mountains and channeled to various reservoirs throughout the state, this staple of rural living supplies water to farmers for livestock and crops from Durango all the way to New Mexico which in turn feeds the people who reside in this region as well as tourists on vacation or simply passing through. But not to worry, the majority of the Animus River is now being redirected and channeled directly to the Navajo Reservation in New Mexico. Oh, and don’t forget to drop in at the local steak house for some home grown choice cuts. Delicious!
Another must see is the Denver International Airport, the largest airport on Earth. Privately funded and still under construction even after twenty years by The New World Airport Commission and the Freemasons, it houses a multitude of larger than life sculptures of sinuous apocalyptic white horses and grotesque gargoyles climbing out of suitcases along with several grandiose murals depicting, among other things, concentration death camps, children in coffins clinging to christian bibles and flowers as well as many other artworks designed to provoke deep thought, mixed emotions and stimulating conversation.
And for those of you affording champagne wishes of ocean front property and caviar dreams of capitalist land grabbing now is the perfect time to make use of the world’s largest airport by coming to Denver to stake your claim. Thanks to nationwide fracking and poor urban over-development it’s only a matter of time until the San Andreas fault line unleashes the big one that sinks America’s west coast into the sea relocating the coastline to the outskirts of Denver. So grab your surfboards and sunscreen because it’s going to be “Cowabunga, dudes!”
Colorado Now Hiring Statewide For All County Positions
Are you a dullard with no morality or integrity of note? Long for a cushy job and lucrative pay for contributions of nothing worthwhile to humanity? Dream of your own plush office with oodles of cronies to boss around and blame for your neglect and incompetence? Crave the authority to control and mistreat others because of your awkward childhood and lack of scruples? If you answered yes to any of these then you’re calling lies in Colorado! That’s right! As a public servant in Colorado you’re free to live that dream unencumbered by the burden of accountability.
Relax in style and watch the lush funds roll in as you misfile and tamper with document after document after document. Barely read? Who cares! Hardly Spell? Great! If you’re willing to do as you’re instructed without question, if you’re comfortable blindly following the orders of your superiors, then we want you! If you can lick a stamp and put it on an envelope then you’ve got what it takes. No references required. No experience necessary. Histrionic criminal background; hire-on insensitive!
Tired of being ignored by the kids and emasculated by the wife? Beat the hell of transient with your new baton. Suffering from little penis syndrome; feel like a man as you wrap your hands around that big, big gun. Anal retentive; polish your desk nameplate or badge to a high, glossy sheen. Obsessive compulsive; scrutinize over and shred as many civil complaints as you can. Corpulent; what more perfect fit to complement your uselessness than case worker. Greedy; master collections investigator. Flagrant; abusive adversarial advocacy positions await. Pompous…well, trade in that swagger stick for your very own gavel.
With such a wide range of positions to abuse there’s never been a better time to pilfer what you will from your community. Colorado has so many openings that we’re inviting your family and friends to join our establishment too. What better way to maintain complete immunity than by having like minded supporters and relatives occupy our regulatory and commissioner divisions? Enjoy the freedom, the security, the sanctification to flout any law under the color of law with the full support of your ilk as they ignore and conceal your habitual acts of malice. Colorful Colorado: It’s a Debtor’s Prison.