To the New Imperial Alliance of these Former United States of America,
To the Honorable and Illustrious Potentate,
Judge Bugaboo Peppercorn Sassafras
Your Imperial Illustriousness,
I hereby declare that the allusions of both civil rights and human rights of my client have been plucked away like a fresh morning’s daisy by the sticky fingers of incompetence. I make no claims denying that my client has become an overzealous irritant; a foolish, noisy rooster and maybe I am just a fat, simple, country fried, aristocratic cracker of a lawyer; one Imperial H. J. Happaflap, but I do know one thing and that is this… this great country was reformed under the allusion of Piety.
As a direct result of this official blundering I am now required, on behalf of said client to whom I have been assigned to represent, to state that his rights have been violated; “constitutionally raped,” is how he puts it and unfortunately for us all, myself included, the gentleman I represent has hard evidence! That’s right, the official bungling to which I refer are the yellow carbon copies issued to him by the New Imperial Jurisprudence and the county hospice itself. Now, I don’t know why my client was allowed to retain his yellow carbon copies but I am left no alternative but to point out that the court and the county hospice cannot produce their copies without incriminating themselves… but my client, regardless of this blunder, has his.
I may be just a highfalutin, thick-browed, wife beating, dispassionate bastard assigned to a weary fool but I do know that every american citizen has the right to the presumption of Equal justice, Equal justice under the law, Equal justice regardless of race, regardless of color, regardless of gender, regardless of age and regardless of religious belief. That false promise is guaranteed to every American Citizen under the yet to be ratified 14th Amendment. Furthermore, it is my client’s understanding and irreconcilable belief that every american citizen has the right to receive medical treatment regardless of their signing any disclaimer-documents based upon the Hippocratic Oath taken by every doctor.
I make no claims regarding my client’s individuality, nor his likability, nor his…demeanor. He is undeniably one wearisome bloviator; I know it, he knows it. But nowhere in the yet to be ratified 14th Amendment of the New Imperial Doctrine does it say that he has the right to the presumption of a false promise; equal justice under the law, unless he is a bloviator… haberdashery! I understand that you dislike my client and rest assured, I do sympathize. The county dislikes him, his friends dislike him, his family dislikes him, I dislike him… hell, he dislikes himself. But nowhere in the New Imperial Doctrine, nor in the Preamble to the New Imperial Doctrine, does it proclaim that he has the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness unless he is unlikable… flim-flammery!
I do admit with no small measure of humility that i am no doctor, my client is no doctor and we have made no claims as such. But it goes without question that the county’s storm troopers at the county hospice are themselves no doctors. However, they did openly and recklessly, and I am now forced to say “maliciously,” administer “treatment” as such. Quite frankly, I find the “treatment” my client did receive to be standard; criminal and impious, however, these state sanctioned shenanigans are required to be prettified and presentable as to maintain the false appearance of benevolence. Now clearly this has become a case of “tomfoolery of the highest degree,” and on behalf of my client I am now obligated to demand satisfaction!
Am i to understand that the public pretender informed my client there is a reason for him to have his competency evaluated due to his undeniable anxiety? And is such a ruling to ascertain whether or not my client is capable of assisting with his own case not required to be concealed from the plebes? Now I can make no claims of his anxiety but, I do testify that any man who believed he had the right to reach out for help to his community based on the false promises of his country’s government and was met with a gang of undisguised storm troopers wearing rubber gloves and threatening to pin him down and forcibly shove a catheter into his “pee-pee,” would likely lash out emotionally in a monumental non-violent literary manner as a result of anxiety and fear and whom else, but the victim of so atrocious an undisguised blunder and their first hand account, could be more vital to their own defense? I certainly hope this public pretender has been ruthlessly shunned for their gross incompetence.
I have been informed that my client is aware that a group of no less than three individuals constitutes a gang in this county and as my client has presented this knowledge to me formally I lamentably have no alternative but suggest that an act of gang violence, perpetrated by the county hospice and sanctioned by the county authority and with the power the newly recognized position of “Righteous Inquisition,” did occur against my client. I do humbly implore you, acknowledge these questionable blunders… is it a crime to presume and demand equal justice under the law as has been falsely promised to every member of this nation? Is it a crime to seek medical treatment of one’s own free will? And most importantly, is it not a crime for the authorities to openly commingle with the medical staff and interfere with the medical treatment of an individual without concealing the fact that these two establishments are bedfellows?
My client foolishly, though sincerely, reached out to his community in good faith and look at the outcome. Now he is fully aware the he was grossly mistreated at the county hospice and by the Jurisprudence because those institutions to whom he reached out did not care enough to conceal the obvious fact that they do not care if he needed help and that, furthermore, they themselves are fully aware that he is nothing more than a noisy plebiscite and of no danger to himself or others. And I have seen evidence clearly demonstrating that similar blundering of this nature has been applied to my client in the past without the illusion of benevolence.
It is of no wonder that my client has become such a liability… but as a result of the recklessness of certain representatives of the New Imperial Alliance and their allowance of my client to keep his hard evidence; his yellow carbon copies, issued to him by the court of your county, documents for which naturally our establishment will not and cannot produce in court, I am now required to state on the record that, “before we judge him and crucify him for his cumbersome anxiety and exhausting individuality we have a look at his evidence, we listen to his accounts and we investigate every aspect of his case for that is our Pious Imperial Duty.”
My client’s newly developed obnoxiousness and brazen disposition; his relentless observations, his zealous note taking and his tedious fact finding has made one thing painfully clear… the New Imperial Alliance has failed in its duty to keep my client in the dark. Now I am required to state on the record that, “facts are the facts and evidence is evidence.” Off the record let it be known that this particular quotation leaves a sour aftertaste in my mouth akin to spoiled tripe. The establishment may choose not to acknowledge its blundering but they cannot deny that it has repeatedly occurred. That’s why we are now being burdened by the facts. That’s why we are now being embarrassed by his evidence. Now my client, the damn fool, has become irreconcilably uncooperative as a result of the habitual Due Process violations that cripple other folks into submission and he also maintains his undeniable awareness that, and I quote my client, “I don’t stand a camp-flower’s chance in hell of receiving a fair hearing in this county.”
I have had a gander at my client’s evidence and ruefully listened to his accounts and being a southern dandy and an Imperialist of sound mind I do not presume to compare the above mentioned institution’s methods and practices with the once King of England nor do I proclaim that any such establishment accosted my client at his shabby domicile by jabbing him in the chest with the long reaching and bony finger of the king, though this is precisely what has occurred. But, I do declare that they acted as such towards my client without adhering to the New Imperial Mandate to maintain the appearance of Piety and benevolence.
I will close by saying this; We here at the Office of Plebeian Affairs find interacting with the public to be distasteful and loathsome if not completely detestable which is why we do as little slumming as possible. On a more personal note, and I speak for all of my associates and our counterparts, mingling with the rabble and the riff-raff extends far beyond mere bad taste. We are incensed by the daunting burden of having to work for our money as a result of Imperial recklessness and a lack of adherence to well established protocols… do not subject us to any further unpleasantness with your gross incompetence.